its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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