dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
