I am in a vortex of obligation.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
