Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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