Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
