Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Do vagina's smell?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
