dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
