i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
