my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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