this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Oh god it's open bar.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
