I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
