I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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