Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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