just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
