then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
