Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
