I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
