shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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