Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
They are going to name an STD after you.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
