she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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