After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
