i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
