you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
