I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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