There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
