Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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