There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
