i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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