no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
