I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize
