I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
