Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
