Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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