mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
