shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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