So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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