i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
