32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
