Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
