Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
