Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
