I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
