i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
