I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
They should really pass out barf bags in church
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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