don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
