I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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