I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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