i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
