You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
