i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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